Many may wonder, "why post this ugly ass image of yourself?" Well, this is me. Everyday I have to make a conscious decision to be something different. I wake up in the morning and lay in bed for 10 min. making a conscious decision to paint my canvas with colors of life. When I open my eyes from sleep, I arise to a canvas painted black with memories of loss, pain, guilt, and eventually, finally, with a sigh of relief, acceptance. Acceptance of myself and all of my thoughtless actions as a young girl that caused death and devastation to the ones that I loved most.
I have a hole in my heart for all those that once walked with me, held me, loved me... Their love is now only a whisper with their memories. They whisper to me every morning, "Remember me? Remember how we once danced, skipped, and laughed together? Do you remember how we held each other in our fears, comforted each other through our pains?"
"Yes, I remember; I'll always remember."
This pain has created my insanity. My insanity has created my art. Some may think this sounds absolutely institutional. My answer is, "I" am institutional and I accept myself.
This is a pattern of random thoughts and a labyrinth of dreams that I can't put rhythm or reason to for anyone that may read this. All I can say is that today, I AM ME! I am me with all of my faults, all of my guilt, all of my gifts, all of my hopes, all of my fears and all of the collective confusion that makes me, ME!
As crazy as it seems, I must go dance now. I am going to throw my arms above my head in every direction my old body can bend in. I am going to be the real me, but free. Free to be as loose as I want to be. Bye friends and keep it gypsy! Paint your canvas with colors... I did already today.
