It is sometimes so terribly difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Some of you that read any of my posts may know that my daughter is deaf and has struggled with social cues and behavior akin to Asperger's Syndrom. She does not pick up on ANY social cues or hints. She clings to her friends and family members with a desperation that causes most people to run in fright. She is so terribly lonely and this lonliness causes her to attach to people in ways that are flat out considered odd, quirky, or flat out damn scarey to some.
As I think of the first few months of her life, I am filled with anxiety. As a baby she screamed constantly. The only thing that would bring a moments peace to the household was when my body became a human rocking chair. I am not speaking of gentle gliding, I mean aggressive backward and forward motions that jiggled my fresh "afterbirth" fat. As a young mother I must admit that I wanted to run in fright myself.
Now that she is 13 and I am no longer considered a "young" mother at 34 (LOL) I have resorted to feeling sorry for myself and playing the self-blame game. The self-blame game is where I examine my life with eagle eyes to pin point every little thing that I did wrong in motherhood. Then I play the sweep it under the rug game where I decide that I did the best that I could do with the situation and push all the feelings deep down and have a glass of wine. Damn I am healthy!
All of this to say what? Well... I can't fix my daughter or remove her pain, but I can tell her that life is a growing process. Thankfully it is growing out of the pain of childhood and into "your own." I was considered an odd child and battled with similar issues that my daughter struggles with. It seems that most of us in my family have a part of our brain that seems to heal and mature slower than the average. I did grow out of it though and I believe that she will as well.
For now... I will continue to tell her how beautiful and special she is. Those words are so hard for someone like me to say outloud so I write them here.
To Jordan - You are more special, beautiful, caring, giving, and loving than this world deserves. I love you -
